Friendship and Disability...

(For Eunice Itakpe Iranloye)

‘The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship’. - Francis Bacon

It’s been a hectic week for me, but I couldn’t wait to get back here! Today I’m talking about friends…yes, friends…those special people that come and go in one’s life and leave long lasting impact/memories. Good friends are part of the overall support network we all need. I know that there are several qualities that keep great friendship going, but for me, humor is key. Life is filled with all sorts of stress that being able to laugh at it and laugh at oneself is the antidote. Indeed, I’m not sure if it is really by accident or design that humor has been a great attraction for me to others; but I just have to laugh and I have to do so with people I love and who love me in return. Apart from my family, the only other people that crack me up in a good and wholesome way are friends!



For a person living with a disability, developing friendship can be a difficult enterprise. If you develop this disability early in life, it could determine the type of people that choose to associate with you. For instance, my childhood memories weren’t really fond ones. From my primary school days, I was constantly teased, bullied and taunted by kids my age. I would be walking to the classroom on my own when suddenly a boy would come knock me down and take away my calipers. I would lie in the dirt crying until news would get to my elder sister who was a class ahead of me in the same school. She would come running down with her own group to protect me from these bullies and even get into fisticuffs with some of them on occasions!

Frankly, despite being a very smart kid, I hated going to school, especially if my elder sister wasn’t going. I had little or no friends and buried myself in books. I was enrolled for the Common Entrance Examination at the age of 9, a class before the recommended eligible class. I passed in flying colors and gained admission to Federal Government College Kano on National Merit and earned with it a one year scholarship. However this held no real meaning for me, unlike my parents and siblings who were ecstatic, I was filled with fear and trepidation at the thought of being bullied and maltreated because of my experience in primary school.

But it was in secondary school I began to understand the value of friendship. Though, I began by resolving to stay aloof and maintain my distance from fellow classmates so as not to create any avenue to be taunted and teased; yet, my defences wouldn’t stand firm, thanks mainly to some schoolmates who cultivated my friendship without reserve. Today, we still keep that friendship and even where we lose contact a few months, a few years, whenever we reconnect, it is like no day was lost! This is because they have never made me feel ‘different’ around them, never pitied me or make me feel I’m not good enough. We share each other’s deepest darkest secrets, fears, hopes, aspirations, and loads of gossip and laughs and in their company, my disability is never an issue.



Apart from my friends from Federal Government College , Kano , I have made friends with several other people, male and female, from university and through work as colleagues and so on. But what the secondary school experience of friendship gave me is the confidence to cultivate real friendship with others without fear or suspicion. My friends then therefore remain the rock upon which I’ve built other friendships over the years.

At this juncture, I would like to pay a special tribute to a great friend from my days in secondary school who isn’t with us anymore. I had set out to write this without naming my friends, because I’m confident enough that they know themselves and do not need me to advertise them! However, one exception to that rule is Eunice Itakpe to whom I dedicate this post on friendship. Eunice died two years ago in Gambia from childbirth. She had been married for years, suffered several miscarriages, but the one she carried full-term finally claimed her. Eunice was a strong, brilliant girl who went on to become the Head Girl. Without making it too obvious, she looked out for me in every way. I recall her assigning a junior girl to permanently fetch water for me and run errands for me. Her friendship and loyalty were inspirational. She was patient, always had a listening ear and words of wisdom for all occasion. Nothing ruffles or panics her, a real rock. No day passes by without me thinking of her and the great memories we share along with my other friends. But I’m comforted knowing she’s in a good place. But she is one of several friends that have molded me and made me into the strong, happy person I am today. I’m mentioning her specially, because this post, as I said, is dedicated to her.


My Headgirl..Eunice Itakpe Iranloye

From the above, I’m sure readers are already getting the idea that if persons with disabilities are to form friendships and be a part of society as adults, these relationships must develop during childhood. I didn’t have much of that in primary school, but I was lucky to get it in secondary school and take it from there and spread it out to the rest of my life outside school. Classmates and neighbors will grow into adult co-workers and friends later in life. Therefore, integrated classrooms and recreational activities are important. In these settings, children with and without disabilities go out to meet each other and form relationships. It is burden enough being disabled, but keeping disabled kids away or excluded can only make things worse. Jamila, one of my closest friends from Federal Government College Kano recently said to me: ‘Odis, there was nothing different about you, I think the greatest thing your parents did for you was throwing you in boarding house with the rest of us and not shielding you from life!’ She’s right. My life experience confirms this and in fact, it does not only work with disabled children, but with other children who find it difficult integrating because of taunts and bullying of any sort.

For instance, few weeks ago a neighbor of mine asked me to intervene in the matter of his little girl who refused to go back to school because of taunts. I thought about this and wondered what to say to the girl and her parents. However, one thing was obvious to me. She was disabled, so I knew that she was suffering the same psychological trauma I suffered when I was younger. I knew she had no choice, but to face up to the challenge and build friendships, no matter what. But she needed the support of parents who wouldn’t be shielding her from the world! So, I sat both parents down and asked them to make it a point of duty to assist, encourage and guide their daughter to cultivate relationships and strong friendships as that is the only way she would be able to fit into society seamlessly and not feel different. It was a simple advice they took and I’m here watching out for the result. Everyone is capable of suffering rejection, disabled or not. How we choose to cope with it determines how we conquer it!

Back to the specific challenges of disabled persons in cultivating friendships, I want to point out that sometimes the way families and health professionals intervene sometimes make things worse. For instance, a tendency to focus more on physical and academic challenges than on creating opportunities for friendship and communication with their mainstream peers and one another could be counter-productive. A healthy combination of medical intervention and social integration would help such children better. Programs must be developed to make disabled children spend time with other children in an atmosphere that can build empathy and respect amongst them. As sweet and simple as my friendships with non-disabled people may sound, it isn’t without its own difficulties. Many individuals with disabilities interact primarily with their family and healthcare professionals, because they are the people who take care of or provide services to them. But they will leave these programs at some point and relate with others outside family. Preparing them early is key to their future happiness.

Obviously, mothers do have a great role to play in this preparation. Due to their special role as primary carers, it is crucial that they are carried along. In Nigeria , mothers of children with disabilities are a missing voice, as they are often absent from mainstream mommy related school or leisure programs due to their children's therapy and medical appointments and early intervention activities. Mainstream children's earliest social contacts are often with children whose mothers meet while they are pushing strollers at the park or shops, at neighborhood playgroups/kiddies parties or daycare centers. When the mom of a child with a diagnosis is not included in the mainstream of their community, children with special needs don't have those early interactions with their mainstream peers.

Mothers staying integrated in mainstream programs and neighborhood activities can accomplish as much for a child's acceptance and future friendships than artificial inclusion in mainstream classrooms because the children do not need to be 'introduced' thus setting them apart from the onset



As children grow up together, it is rewarding to see how natural positive relationships develop that benefit their classmates as well. Children with disabilities or special needs can be very important to their friends who also are overscheduled and overwhelmed, and who struggle with their own challenges that are often not acknowledged or accommodated.

Adults can make choices that help all children get along better together, reduce or eliminate bullying behavior, and provide options for those who find themselves in difficult situations. These choices often include a plan and a commitment to creating a respectful and safe environment, where children have access to grown-ups they trust to have their best interests at heart.

Often, when there is no plan and a commitment to create a safe and friendly environment for a child with special needs, mainstream peers are left on their own to figure out how to deal with one another. Most children and adolescents experience loneliness, fear that they will not be accepted if they allow others to know their authentic selves, and confusion about what they are supposed to do in even the most casual situations. Staying involved with other school/neighborhood moms teaches us that all families sometimes need a little help from their friends, and would like to create a safe and friendly atmosphere where their children are welcome and appreciated.

In conclusion, I acknowledge that generally, many people with disabilities face certain disadvantages in meeting and getting to know others. These disadvantages include, but not limited to the following:

Opportunity: Many people with disabilities have limited opportunities to take part in activities where they can meet peers. This may be due to physical segregation or being placed in a role as "clients" or "special education students." Services may restrict people's chances to get together through program rules, curfews, transportation restrictions, and other limitations. Whatever the reason, people with disabilities frequently become cut off and isolated from others. I think one way of cutting down this disadvantage is, as I explained above, opportunities for friendship with non-disabled persons. This has to necessarily be built into intervention programs.

Support: Relationships between people with and without disabilities are not formed by simply grouping people together. Some individuals need assistance with fitting into certain settings and activities. Others may need someone to facilitate their involvement or to interpret for them. Without support, some people with and without disabilities may never have the opportunity to know each other. Again, this will require specialist psychologists who would notice this and provide special programs of integration for struggling kids.

Continuity: While most people enjoy meeting new people, they are sustained by those they have known over time. The continuity of relationships over the years is an important source of security, comfort and self-worth. Many people with disability do not have continuous relationships. Instead, they may leave their families, be moved from one program to another and have to adjust to staff people who come and go. Again, this problem can be addressed by making sure that kids that have developed relationships with others aren’t cut off from each other. If there is necessity to separate them for program development purposes, avenues should still be created for future get-togethers and interaction. That is the way bonds and friendships are sustained.

Disabled people know there’s a lot of prejudice out there; while I am not advising that they go out and foist themselves on people as friends, they have to understand that there are also many people willing to be their friends and willing to love them for who they are, not pity them because they are disabled. If disability affects a part of parts of your physical body, develop other aspects of you, including the mental and let people see that you aren’t just a sorry sight! Having friends is important for everyone, not only the disabled. So, do not let your disability hinder you from enjoying the friendship and company of others! The organized disability community should also try to do something about this and must include in its programs activities that involve non-disabled people. Friendship is as important as independent living, employment, civil rights and all the rest. It's a lot harder to achieve when you’re feeling sorry for yourself or acting insular! Maybe that’s why I’m on a lifelong quest to make more and more friends! Catch them young! We can show children and teens with special needs and their mainstream peers how to make and keep friends by modeling friendliness and creating an atmosphere and structure of inclusion, cooperation and respect

I end this post with this song…the best things in life are free…including the genuine love and care of friends…thanks to you all for being MY FRIENDS…

Duchess...